So let's see here its been one hell of a ride since i last updated this thing. So its basically all going to come at one big ramble because i have had a miserable day and i need to get some feelings out. Well to start all of the guys have been out of the picture and have come to ties with being just friends, which is a good thing. There is times where Zach or Joe slips up and cant handle just friends but i put them in their place dont you worry haha.. oka sorry needed a laugh myself, needed a break from these continuous tears all day long. But when i say all, i mean all but one... Fred, and i know of course it had to be the jail guy right.. dont even start to judge though cause i will jump down your throat faster then the titanc sank. i dont wanna hear he is a bad person because he got a DUI, ya he is an idiot and got caught three times over the years, but who isnt guilty of drinking and driving? you just havent gotten caught is all. ill get into that in a bit. ANYHOW .. college is going good, besides math i sooo suck at that, but hanging in there - even went out and had some ladys i work with son try and tutor me, so crossing my fingers that i do good. My first experience with this school loan shit is not really goin so well, they are all a bunch of morons with money if you ask me. but whatever.. still apartment searching up in clarion tho - not really having any luck but if worse comes to worse i will live with my friend trav & corey .. ya i know your thinkin just what she needs to live with two guys but its not like that AT ALL! these guys have been my bestfriends since like 7th grade so its all good in the hood. next, my 21st bday is FINALLY coming up! 5 more days and ill be out celebrating.. definatly need a night out thats for sure esp after today. I now work at applebee's in cranberry and quit the hospital because my boss was a bitch and refused to work around my school schedule so i had no choice but to quit, sucks but you'll have that i guess. but thats okay i went to applebee's cause i will be able to transfer to the one in clarion when i move - i know great thinking ahead huh? haha
Now i bet your wondering what in the hell i keep referring to when i say i had an extremely bad day, and when i say bad i mean BAD! haha .. well over the past few months Fred and i have continued to write to eachother every week, sometimes twice a week. and he has managed to be able to call me atleast once or twice a week also so it has been nice... but then he got moved from state to clarion to wait for his sentencing which took place this morning. well he was allowed visitors in clarion jail but refused to put me on the list to see him because he did not want me to have to see him like that. well his dad has also been keeping me informed on how he has been and everything and of course kept me updated on when his court date was and where and asked if i would go, because altho fred said he didnt want me there, we all knew that it would be good to be able to atleast see eachother even if we couldnt talk. and well i called up one of his friends and she came with me, well he gets a little werided out for some reason when me and this girl talk haha not really sure why.. he thinks i am going to steal her away or something haha anyhow we knew he would shit his pants when he walked in and saw me and her sitting there so of course we had to sit front row and we wanted to be close to him, well there was alot of cases going on this morning so we sat night and close in the front row with his mom. and him and 3 other inmates walked in the room and took their seats, well immediately he was lookin around, saw his dad in the back then skimmed over to karina (his friend i went with) then looked over and saw me sittin in between her and his ma and his jaw dropped haha i wish i would have had a camera! he just gave a shit grin and shook his head at us, then mouthed to karina that she was a bitch haha and just smiled and looked at me in the eyes and shook his head. i was sooo glad i went tho because it was awesome to be able to look him in the eyes again, over the past 10 months we have seemed to got even closer then we were wen we were dating - and when you care about someone that much you just know the feeling. not saying i am in love with him but i do love him alot.. anyhow court proceeded and he kept lookin over and just smiling and shakin his head at me because he had no idea i was going to be there, actually i was probably the last person he expected there cause he had told me when his hearing was but didnt give any details, luckily his dad knowing how we are and care for eachother took it upon himself to ask me to go. God bless him haha.. anyhow court went on and the judge was a dick! there was a child predator that got caught for child porn of a 13 year old girl from the internet and well he instantly was takin to jail but only for 90 days.. then of course they screwed Fred hardcore. Gave him 2 and a half years in state jail and then 6 months or more in clarion county jail. So needless to say he is locked up til somewhere in 2010, which seems like SOOO far away. and what pissed me, him and his ma and dad off even more is he already has 10 months in which is pretty much a year and the judge refuses to let him use that towards the time he was sentenced. which is bullshit! Well then the emotions changed quickly, his ma got all teary eyed which led me to gettin a bit choked up and he just had a blank look ok his face. well his ma and dad dont get along so i was up with his mom but his dad was in the back.. after she stormed out in an upset rage his dad came up to me and hugged me and talked and was raging, he was so pissed about what a huge dick the judge was to fred, im pretty sure he just hates him alot haha.. anyhow talked to his dad for awhile then me and karina left .. well i had to go to school and work and what not but she was going to visit him later on tonight since today was visitation day. well obviously she knew she was going to get all kinds of hell for showing up with me, which she did the second she walked in haha the one thing he said he didnt want was for me to see him like that but i couldnt wait and im glad i didnt! well on my drive back from clarion it all hit me at once and i just had a mental emotional breakdown, and couldnt handle it all at once. i think it was even 100 times worse since i was actually there to see it all going on instead of just hearing it. well so once the tears let loose well they rolled on for the rest of the night, i didnt go to class and i did attempt to go to work but left an hour later because i started puking, i had no appetite and hadn't eatten all day.. still have yet to.. just cant. I didnt know what was going on, i just couldnt handle it all emotionally. seeing someone i care about that much get put to jail for the next 3-5 years of his life was just too much for me to handle, esp since at one point in time we talked about spending the rest of our lives together.. eventually. it was the hardest thing i think i ever had to do. it killed me inside and i hated it once it all hit. so out of mixed emotions and feelings i started having all of these thoughts, thoughts like maybe it was all my fault.. if i wasnt such a bitch to him and treated him like shit (which i did eh 60% of the time but he still put up with every bit of it) then maybe things would be different. i started thinking if i had just went up to stay with him that night instead of ditching him again to go out with my friends and fighting hardcore with him the night he wrecked and got his DUI that maybe he wouldnt be in this situation right now, and things would be tottally different. my head was just one jumbled mess, i mean shit they are right jail really does screw with your head - even if its not you in it haha .. but i started blaming myself for it and thinking of all these ''what if's '' and what not (i knew i shouldnt and it was not my fault at all he would have gotten into that car reguardless but i was just so messed up and upset that so much was running thru my head and i couldnt help it) but luckily cait saved me and made me come back to and realize he would have gotten in that car reguardless if it wasnt that night or not.. he was bound to until he got caught and he needs to realize that. she made me realize that he could have hurt me if i was in the car with him or could have killed himself or someone else, so he needed a wakeup call to grow up and drink responsably. well that made me feel a little better but not much, was hard at this point. well i just needed a nap, so i came home and took one and had a nice surprising wake up call! it was karina, she was in the jail visiting fred and she held the phone up so he could say ''hey hunny i love and miss you so much and your stubborn ass is in trouble for coming when i told you not to haha'' - luckily it was something i needed to hear tho.. i needed to hear his voice, it was reassuring in a way. then she sent me a few pictures of him of course one was a big ''f* you'' for coming when i didnt want you to see me like this haha but its oka i loved it anyhow .. lol (that would be the picture you see up top haha) it just made me feel a lot better to hear him say those words. she is an awesome girl to do such a thing haha .. very nice girl. anyhow she said he told her to tell her be expecting a good letter so im assuming altho i know he was so happy he got to see me too he is going to chew me out in a joking way for going and he is mad at his dad haha. but whatever! anyhow i guess things will work out.. now i can focus on my schooling and be basically done with school by the time he gets out, i mean whos to say what will happen or who i will meet in that time span but i need to focus on enjoying my life and going to school. and he needs to focus on not drinking and driving and from the letters and what he says its the worst torture of all is to be away from me. but he should be going back to state tomorrow or next week so he'll be able to call me again which will be nice, its not as bad when we write all the time and get to talk on the phone for a little bit a week. i know everything will be alright eventually, i mean shit these last 10 months flew by hopefully the rest does too - i just wish that i could fast foward time past the point of all this hurting and upset i am feeling and just get to the point where i am oka. which everything should start to settle again once he is back to state and i hear his voice on the other line of the phone.. and what the future holds, well who knows! oka i need to get my ass to bed now since i have class early in the morning.. take care!
...the only way to get there is one step at a time<3
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