and we find the reason's why.. one step at a time

So let's see here its been one hell of a ride since i last updated this thing. So its basically all going to come at one big ramble because i have had a miserable day and i need to get some feelings out. Well to start all of the guys have been out of the picture and have come to ties with being just friends, which is a good thing. There is times where Zach or Joe slips up and cant handle just friends but i put them in their place dont you worry haha.. oka sorry needed a laugh myself, needed a break from these continuous tears all day long. But when i say all, i mean all but one... Fred, and i know of course it had to be the jail guy right.. dont even start to judge though cause i will jump down your throat faster then the titanc sank. i dont wanna hear he is a bad person because he got a DUI, ya he is an idiot and got caught three times over the years, but who isnt guilty of drinking and driving? you just havent gotten caught is all. ill get into that in a bit. ANYHOW .. college is going good, besides math i sooo suck at that, but hanging in there - even went out and had some ladys i work with son try and tutor me, so crossing my fingers that i do good. My first experience with this school loan shit is not really goin so well, they are all a bunch of morons with money if you ask me. but whatever.. still apartment searching up in clarion tho - not really having any luck but if worse comes to worse i will live with my friend trav & corey .. ya i know your thinkin just what she needs to live with two guys but its not like that AT ALL! these guys have been my bestfriends since like 7th grade so its all good in the hood. next, my 21st bday is FINALLY coming up! 5 more days and ill be out celebrating.. definatly need a night out thats for sure esp after today. I now work at applebee's in cranberry and quit the hospital because my boss was a bitch and refused to work around my school schedule so i had no choice but to quit, sucks but you'll have that i guess. but thats okay i went to applebee's cause i will be able to transfer to the one in clarion when i move - i know great thinking ahead huh? haha
Now i bet your wondering what in the hell i keep referring to when i say i had an extremely bad day, and when i say bad i mean BAD! haha .. well over the past few months Fred and i have continued to write to eachother every week, sometimes twice a week. and he has managed to be able to call me atleast once or twice a week also so it has been nice... but then he got moved from state to clarion to wait for his sentencing which took place this morning. well he was allowed visitors in clarion jail but refused to put me on the list to see him because he did not want me to have to see him like that. well his dad has also been keeping me informed on how he has been and everything and of course kept me updated on when his court date was and where and asked if i would go, because altho fred said he didnt want me there, we all knew that it would be good to be able to atleast see eachother even if we couldnt talk. and well i called up one of his friends and she came with me, well he gets a little werided out for some reason when me and this girl talk haha not really sure why.. he thinks i am going to steal her away or something haha anyhow we knew he would shit his pants when he walked in and saw me and her sitting there so of course we had to sit front row and we wanted to be close to him, well there was alot of cases going on this morning so we sat night and close in the front row with his mom. and him and 3 other inmates walked in the room and took their seats, well immediately he was lookin around, saw his dad in the back then skimmed over to karina (his friend i went with) then looked over and saw me sittin in between her and his ma and his jaw dropped haha i wish i would have had a camera! he just gave a shit grin and shook his head at us, then mouthed to karina that she was a bitch haha and just smiled and looked at me in the eyes and shook his head. i was sooo glad i went tho because it was awesome to be able to look him in the eyes again, over the past 10 months we have seemed to got even closer then we were wen we were dating - and when you care about someone that much you just know the feeling. not saying i am in love with him but i do love him alot.. anyhow court proceeded and he kept lookin over and just smiling and shakin his head at me because he had no idea i was going to be there, actually i was probably the last person he expected there cause he had told me when his hearing was but didnt give any details, luckily his dad knowing how we are and care for eachother took it upon himself to ask me to go. God bless him haha.. anyhow court went on and the judge was a dick! there was a child predator that got caught for child porn of a 13 year old girl from the internet and well he instantly was takin to jail but only for 90 days.. then of course they screwed Fred hardcore. Gave him 2 and a half years in state jail and then 6 months or more in clarion county jail. So needless to say he is locked up til somewhere in 2010, which seems like SOOO far away. and what pissed me, him and his ma and dad off even more is he already has 10 months in which is pretty much a year and the judge refuses to let him use that towards the time he was sentenced. which is bullshit! Well then the emotions changed quickly, his ma got all teary eyed which led me to gettin a bit choked up and he just had a blank look ok his face. well his ma and dad dont get along so i was up with his mom but his dad was in the back.. after she stormed out in an upset rage his dad came up to me and hugged me and talked and was raging, he was so pissed about what a huge dick the judge was to fred, im pretty sure he just hates him alot haha.. anyhow talked to his dad for awhile then me and karina left .. well i had to go to school and work and what not but she was going to visit him later on tonight since today was visitation day. well obviously she knew she was going to get all kinds of hell for showing up with me, which she did the second she walked in haha the one thing he said he didnt want was for me to see him like that but i couldnt wait and im glad i didnt! well on my drive back from clarion it all hit me at once and i just had a mental emotional breakdown, and couldnt handle it all at once. i think it was even 100 times worse since i was actually there to see it all going on instead of just hearing it. well so once the tears let loose well they rolled on for the rest of the night, i didnt go to class and i did attempt to go to work but left an hour later because i started puking, i had no appetite and hadn't eatten all day.. still have yet to.. just cant. I didnt know what was going on, i just couldnt handle it all emotionally. seeing someone i care about that much get put to jail for the next 3-5 years of his life was just too much for me to handle, esp since at one point in time we talked about spending the rest of our lives together.. eventually. it was the hardest thing i think i ever had to do. it killed me inside and i hated it once it all hit. so out of mixed emotions and feelings i started having all of these thoughts, thoughts like maybe it was all my fault.. if i wasnt such a bitch to him and treated him like shit (which i did eh 60% of the time but he still put up with every bit of it) then maybe things would be different. i started thinking if i had just went up to stay with him that night instead of ditching him again to go out with my friends and fighting hardcore with him the night he wrecked and got his DUI that maybe he wouldnt be in this situation right now, and things would be tottally different. my head was just one jumbled mess, i mean shit they are right jail really does screw with your head - even if its not you in it haha .. but i started blaming myself for it and thinking of all these ''what if's '' and what not (i knew i shouldnt and it was not my fault at all he would have gotten into that car reguardless but i was just so messed up and upset that so much was running thru my head and i couldnt help it) but luckily cait saved me and made me come back to and realize he would have gotten in that car reguardless if it wasnt that night or not.. he was bound to until he got caught and he needs to realize that. she made me realize that he could have hurt me if i was in the car with him or could have killed himself or someone else, so he needed a wakeup call to grow up and drink responsably. well that made me feel a little better but not much, was hard at this point. well i just needed a nap, so i came home and took one and had a nice surprising wake up call! it was karina, she was in the jail visiting fred and she held the phone up so he could say ''hey hunny i love and miss you so much and your stubborn ass is in trouble for coming when i told you not to haha'' - luckily it was something i needed to hear tho.. i needed to hear his voice, it was reassuring in a way. then she sent me a few pictures of him of course one was a big ''f* you'' for coming when i didnt want you to see me like this haha but its oka i loved it anyhow .. lol (that would be the picture you see up top haha) it just made me feel a lot better to hear him say those words. she is an awesome girl to do such a thing haha .. very nice girl. anyhow she said he told her to tell her be expecting a good letter so im assuming altho i know he was so happy he got to see me too he is going to chew me out in a joking way for going and he is mad at his dad haha. but whatever! anyhow i guess things will work out.. now i can focus on my schooling and be basically done with school by the time he gets out, i mean whos to say what will happen or who i will meet in that time span but i need to focus on enjoying my life and going to school. and he needs to focus on not drinking and driving and from the letters and what he says its the worst torture of all is to be away from me. but he should be going back to state tomorrow or next week so he'll be able to call me again which will be nice, its not as bad when we write all the time and get to talk on the phone for a little bit a week. i know everything will be alright eventually, i mean shit these last 10 months flew by hopefully the rest does too - i just wish that i could fast foward time past the point of all this hurting and upset i am feeling and just get to the point where i am oka. which everything should start to settle again once he is back to state and i hear his voice on the other line of the phone.. and what the future holds, well who knows! oka i need to get my ass to bed now since i have class early in the morning.. take care!

...the only way to get there is one step at a time<3

Take me there ..

Oka little update here since its been a little bit..
Anyways, about Sidney - well ive had just about enough of his coughing, i love the little guy and even though he doesnt cough nearly as much as he used to .. he still does, and its leading me to believe maybe he was born with some kid of fluid in his lungs or something? You know like when or if a baby is born and they come out and they have fluid in their lungs.. well im starting to feel like thats maybe his case. Not sure just an assumption i mean i really hope he wouldnt be but it wouldnt make me love him any less. That little dog is my one little pride and joy, but with everything good there comes bad.. which leads me to my next point.
Well as we all know i am SO not the college student, but i think eventually after enough bullshit you finally turn into one.. atleast all the bullshit finally adds up to atleast motivating you to become one! haha That and i think that not everyone is ready for college right out of highschool, some need time to get theirselves together and some just really aren't cut out for the whole college grounds. Needless to say after 2 years i am finally ready for college. Who would have thought? Not me!! haha Anyways i decided that since i slacked off and didnt go to any of my classes for the first two years and totally wasted my parents money - well this time i told them i want to pay for it all, i would much rather be spending my hard earned money as apposed to theirs. This way i am clearly not wasting more of their money and hopefully since the fact that it is actually my money that i will be motivated to atleast go to class and do good - no one likes the thought of wasting their own money, so hopefully that and how shitty Butler and the BMH are... hopefully all that is just enough motivation to get me through college.
Anyway the plan is to redeem myself at BC3 this fall semester, since for two years i maybe went to my classes hmm 5 times? And thats probably giving me the benefit of the doubt.. seriously haha. So if i do however do good in the few classes i am going to take at the cube then i know that i am finally ready to be that college student. I plan on taking just a few online classes this way i can still work both my jobs and i will be able to save up a little cause here is the shocking news.. i'm finally moving!! Its not going to be the beach, obviously not somewhere i would chose over Butler really, but for the time being.. its something i need. I am going to continue working both of my jobs up until December. Then i will be packing my bags and moving on up to Clarion! Now clearly Clarion is not the dream place at all ... BUT i am going to go up and look for a one bedroom apartment and a part time job up there, hopefully one like a dentist office, daycare, or basically anything that needs registration or something to the fact, or even if hiring possibly at the Clarion hospital. But if all else fails i can always go back to waitressing until i do stubble on a decent paying part time job where i will be able to afford my rent & bills. It is of course a big move but i feel as if its something i need for myself, i hate Butler i hate everything about this town from the fact that there isnt anything to do, to the massive amount of drugs that everyone and their mom seems to be on, to just the people here. Everyone lives as if they are still in highschool and its sad to say that even at the hospital that the 30,40, even 50 year olds i work with STILL act like they are in freaking highschool and i cannot stand it anymore. Not saying it will be any different up there cause people will be people, but atleast i will have a fresh start with people and wont know as many where i can fully focus on my schooling. So i will be going part time at first and make sure that its what i really want, they have a really great radiology program there it is however 4 years but i am just going to take my general along with a few classes needed for the program. That way i can kinda get a hang of things before basically throwing myself into a fish tank of sharks. Since i will be working im sure ill be taking a few online classes up there also to free up enough time for me to work, I have been looking at apartments kinda reviewing the prices and what not and i did find some one bedroom apts that ranged around $270-300. Which is fairly decent and hopefully something i can fall into, but i'll be keeping my fingers crossed! =) I was offered to live with two other girls up there but the way i figure is its not easy living with someone else, i already learned that with my last roommate. And by the time the price i would be paying to get a house with 2 other girls it would be ranging around $400 a month, so i would rather just have my own place just to be on the safe said cause it wouldnt be any more then living with them, hopefully it would be alot cheaper! haha But i am looking for jobs and places now just kinda browsing and asking questions that way come January i am not just rushing and jumping around trying to just find a place to drop myself, since ill be living up there for atleast a year i want somewhere i am happy. This may all be wishful thinking - but its what i want and need in my life , so like i said keeping my fingers crossed that everything all goes according to plan! I mean its either that what i really want to do, or settle for getting a place here with my best Cait & another girl in SRU, and just try finding a full time job and stay living in Butler, and although that sounds like oh yea party central and easy way out, but in the long run where will it really get me? Cause they are both going to be at SRU and i will be just working around Butler still and when they are all done and graduated with whatever they are going for they will be going out, getting out of Butler and finding jobs and what will i have to fall back on besides the memories of ''hanging out and partying'' .. yaa well although i can be quiet the partier and i know how to drink trust me, i however dont want to be that old lady working at Walmart as a bag lady. No offense to those of you that do, just not my cup of tea. I have bigger standards and dreams for myself then that..
Oka enough about that, im sure by now your all like god whats happening in the crazy world of guys in Joelle's life... WELL haha, im not even going to begin to tell you that yet ANOTHER ex of mine has re-entered my life last week.. im not sure why me and my ex's always still click or come back to eachother .. but somehow it always happens. I mean look at me and Zach, its been about 7 years and we still can fall right back into eachothers arm's as if it was when we first got together.. Although with us, it can either be really good or really bad. We fight we make up we fight we make up some more.. but after 7 years, he is still oka with us doing that because that is what he is used to and claims he needs me and that is what we do we fight and make up thats just us but thats not enough for me.. although i do believe it is a good thing we can handle eachother at the others worst but at the same time, its not something i want is to constantly be fighting like that - its like come on grow up now. Obviously he is someone that will always be close to me because i love him dearly but as for an ''us'', well i just dont ever see that again. As for Joe, the newly added back Ex, well my ma claims i will one day marry him because we are just too stubborn to be together, but i dont believe that is the case.. i mean for awhile it is but after 2 years he still feels like he owns me i feel like, and i dont like that.. im no ones property and i am certainly not that girl to let someone boss them around and walk all over them, which is the kind of girl Joe needs. As for Ryan (the super nice guy that i have always been friends with and never looked at anything else til like a month ago) well ya he is a really nice guy and maybe its just like the typical me to push the nice guy away, but im not ready for a relationship nor do i want one at the moment. i want to focus on nothing but school and getting my life together, i want to be happy instead of content. He is a really great guy but sometimes people are just better off as just friends, and i believe that is the case there. As for Fred (the convict ex - god how bad does that sound! haha) well i did just mail him back out another letter, i recieved one back from him again last week and he said his court date is Aug. 4th, so he then will know what his sentence his hopefully, which although he is now a convict i hope and pray for him that he can get into boot camp for the 6th months rather then spend 2-6 years in jail - i just dont think that its fair that the other day in the newspaper not one but 2 guys just got sentenced with their 7th DUI and they are just now going to jail for 2-6 years, where he gets 3 DUI's, regardless the drug paraphernalia he got busted with when he was younger .. i dont think that even is close to qualifying to be in prison with murders and rapist, or dudes with 7 DUI's. and he claims and his dad even says he really seems to have changed and understands what he did was wrong so i really believe with all my heart he has learned his lesson and one put behind those bars it was loud and clear that he was an idiot. But at the same time you cant be a hypocrite due to the fact that he is actually in jail because there are how many other people out there that have drank and drove, they just got away with it. I wont lie because i have been one of them, several times - it was dumb but at the time it seemed alright, but from my friend Missy's DUI and then Fred's, well lets just say them getting busted has made me realize how stupid and not worth it it really is, therefore i havent done it since nor will i ever. Shit as much as i love beer i wont have one sip and get in that car, i just wont. But thats just me. But now its safe to say that i dont want anything to do with a guy or relationship of any kind right now, i am really determined to just get to school and get through it and i dont need shit like what guys put me through on my mind! Trust me, i just dont! haha.
So there is your weekly update kids, i need to get back to making some coffee & icecream for the kids.. gotta love my 2nd job =) haha but hey, its easy money is all i got to say! Have a good one!

xoxo
Joelle

Baby every little piece of the puzzle doesnt have to fit perfectly..

Well i guess i will update this thing a little since its been awhile - well after a long fight with petland i finally got my way and had sidney treated & seen by two dr's and stayed in the place for a whole week and everything including medication were all completely free. trust me when it comes down to me being indiscribly mad, well i will eventually get my way; which i did. haha =)
Anyways continuing on - i picked sid back up this monday but he is still coughing just a bit .. which they said he reacted to the meds very very well but i wasnt sure why he was still coughing then but they said he should get better in a few days and if not to just bring him back but i said for the price i paid, after all that i have went through already if i have to drive back down to monroeville it wont be to put him on more meds it ill be to take him back for good and get my money back, because there is absolutely no way that i should have to deal with this shit. He should not be this sick when i just got him, its ridiculous. So we will see what the week brings i guess.. Well i started back at the icecream shop and its alright.. its an easy job but a boring one. Id so much rather have just one full time job but still unable to find one .. i am thinkin about going to look at places in Pitt and maybe move down there and try and get a job at a hospital or dentist office there but we'll see how that goes - personally i would like to be OUT of PA but thats only wishful thinking anymore it seems. Well lets see what exciting has been going on in my life.. well today i went and spent the day with the kids. Which was so fun we played all day then had dinner then caught some lightening bugs.. which was halerious because ryan would get so excited when he finally caught one and he would hold it so tight that it would be dead before he opened his hands to show anyone. haha Then me and kristen showed them what we were brought up to do with lightening bugs which is catching them and then throwing them on the ground and squishing them across the ground and seeing the streak of light, well we were always amused by it. (then again we are a very easily amused family haha) but when i squished the lightening bug Ryan then FREAKED like i was ruining the world - i thought he was going to cry he got so upset with me.. but once he saw what it did he got the hang of it and started squishing his already dead ones too haha.. then we watched a movie and they went to bed. Cutest kids ever might i add. haha
Well as for Zach, (the ex that was confessing his missing me in his life) well i had a few people out last week for a fire and needless to say he made quiet the ass of himself that night. First off we had been fighting for 2 days straight, i think he started doing drugs or something because he now turned straight insane, but anyways i had a bunch of my friends come out.. which included 3 girls and like 15 guys.. well he wasnt invited since obviously we had been fighting why would i want him there. Well come 1am i hear someone storming up my drive and his drunken ass gets out of his friends car and starts flipping out causing a huge seen and what not so i imediatly made him leave after fighting some more. And what do you know the next day hes back at my feet saying how sorry he was and blah blah - ya sorry hunny im not really buying it, actually more like you need to grow up and im not going to be there while you do; and that was that. As for Fred (the ex in jail ive been writing) well he is doing alright for being in jail.. we write back in forth atleast once a week.. and although some people say i am crazy for writing to an inmate; i beg to differ. Its not like we are planning on running away and getting married or something.. i mean he cares about me just as much as he did when he was out, which if you knew him is a hell of a lot and he still til this day says one day he will marry me .. highly highly doubtful but you never really know. I dont let that put a damper on my life tho.. i write to him let him know how i am & whats going on in my life and what not. And i think its just generally all in good meaning, i dont think its wrong its not like im like oh i love him and blah blah cause thats not it at all - its simply just keeping contact thats all. And to be honest i get excited to hear from him, its nice to have a little pen pal like that haha..definatly interesting that for sure! Frankly i dont really care what anyone has to think of the situation, its not like he killed someone - i mean shit he got drunk & drove .. who isnt guilty of that shit anymore? he just got caught and is doing his time and there isnt anything wrong with that i dont think. Altho he continueosly tells me how no one could possibly be proud of someone that has done time, but i dunno i dont judge people like that, i dunno thats just me.
So yesterday me, jamie, josh & ryan rented a boat & went out on the river.. well actually me and jamie didnt have to pay ryan paid for it all $200 bucks just to take me out for a few hours... pretty nice kid eh?? haha ya he is nice.. we had a good time though and i got some sun, a little burnt tho but ill live. Its funny cause ive always hungout with Ryan because he has always been my friends boyfriends bestfriend, but i never thought of him anything more then a friend until this past 2 weeks. Not saying its going anywhere cause im not sure im lovin it - haha started off liking it but now ... i dunno, still have mixed feelings about the situation - but then again thats just typically me pushing someone good away, because i always tend to do that. But whatever, anyways to end my wonderful day on the boat with Ryan i later that night went down to Pittsburgh to yet another Ex's house, Curt. (*im sure by this point jer you are totally confused with keepin my guys straight now! haha - but, you'll have that) Anyhow Curt took me out to the pirates game which is the first one i have been to all year, and our seats were in the very front row behind the bucs dugout which was pretty badass - and of course we won! so we then went back to his house and just kicked it on the porch talking and killed a case between the two of us haha. But the reason i always got along with him so good is because we can talk about anything, which is very comforting to have someone you can do that with. After that we watched a movie and passed out, then we woke up the next afternoon which was a beautiful day might i add and we walked downtown of pitt and got some chinese. yum!! very good day also =)
Well that about wraps it up for tonight. Hopefully ya'll had a good holiday & weekend and what not.. i am beat and going up to get some extremely needed rest and poor sid is passed out on my lap.. so have a good night kids

I told you so

First off, im damn sick of this rain .. the clarks are playing tonight at the fair and i want to go so Dear God, please hold off the rain while they play.. thanks =)
Continuing on.. As much as i would like to say im happy, im not. I had to take Sidney to the vet about a week ago because he had a cough.. Dr said it was doggie bronchitis. Poor little guy - so i got him some cough meds, but i specifically told the damn vet NOT to give me the med she was because i was told since he is so little that his immune system wasnt built up big enough to be able to get better on the antibiotic she was trying to prescribe. But being a dr she insisted on giving it to me trying to convince me it would work, so after i fight i clearly wasnt going to win - i gave in and bought the shit. A week later.. what do ya know! I am stayin up all night because my little guy is coughing his lungs up so bad that he is now choking. Needless to say, i was not a happy camper with the vet... so the next morning at work i called the Vet bitching saying how the med wasnt working like i said it wasnt going to and she instantly prescribed me a stronger and better medicine to fit his little puppy body. At a discounted price at that after i showed up at the vets after work strongly stating my opinion that this wouldnt be happening if she would have just listened to me in the first place. But any who Sidney seems to have gotten better with his new meds and isnt coughing as much, which is always a plus. You know its funny because i always made fun of people that treated their pets like their kids.. when who would have guessed in the future i too would turn a puppy into my baby boy. He is just like a baby since he is so little and young and he knows his mama well.. he knows im the one to spoil him but he also knows his ''No- no's.'' Staying up with him all night and hearing him cough and see he was sick broke my heart.. i felt so bad for the little guy that is why i determined to get him better, and id like to think i am doing a pretty good job being a new mom so far. haha =) It was funny lastnight i stayed out all night and i let ashley puppysit, well just so you know he sleeps in my bed everynight and never once peed or anything in my bed or my room .. the one night he stays in her bed i was told she woke up at 7 this morning screaming her head off because he peed her bed. hahaha now to me - i cracked up!! she now is pissed at him but i just thought it was funny cause he knows better then to do that to my bed haha.. and if you know ashley, she flipped!
Moving on..
well needless to say i caved and went to mikes lastnight to talk about things, i was in a drunken rage when i arrived and as you can imagine me being the bitch i am and having a little too much alcohol in me when im mad - well, not a good mixture.. i had alot to say to mike and well if you know me you know im a veryyy honest person, so i didnt sugar coat shit for him. I felt bad for his friend he was with cause it was the first time he met me since he just got back from Iraq and me and mike were fighting like a married couple bitching back and forth (no offense married people) But thats what always happens with us, because he is an asshole & im a bitch, its just what we do best haha. Then after all the bitching he really started being a dick and was criticizing everything i did or said then i REALLY started to get irate with him. So then he started to get a little sick from too many shots so i of course then played the sweetheart scene and took care of him then told him i was going to leave but he didnt want me to.. but when it came to me walking downstairs and out the door he then snapped back with it. I said what needed to be said and tried to go on with my night but when i went to leave mike wouldnt let me and kept trying to hug me and kiss me and then after lots of fighting to put it nicely, then for the next two hours we made up. haha....
Oka as for the whole ''i told you so'' thing.. Let me introduce you to Zachary James Edwards (not exactly the one the got away, more like one of the ones i pushed away but he's here to stay) Well this november i was supposed to move to cali with an Ex, now this isnt just any old random Ex .. you have to know the story on him & us but really i dont have enough time in the day to tell you all that. haha and well lets just say the quote from the movie the notebook- ''Well that's what we do. We fight. You tell me when I'm being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are being a pain in the ass. Which you are 99% of the time. I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a two second rebound rate and your back do doing the next pain in the ass thing.'' - ya totally nailed us on that one. but anyways he decided to move to cali for the winter last year and he is now back home for the summer and i was supposed to move back with him this nov when he goes back .. and things were going great i really thought he changed and grew up and knew what his priorities were in life as apposed to going out and getting shitty every night thinking life was just one big party. He really had me convinced he had changed.. well come april when i picked him up at the airport things were indefinably awesome. I was finally so happy again and as was he.. but as expected a few weeks later with being back with his party animal friends he became his old partying self again. And well ya i do go out and party but maybe once or twice a week.. not every day, i mean we are not in highschool anymore - grow up already huh! So after months of trying again i finally just sealed the deal and called it quits for good. I wasnt happy anymore and i wasnt about to play the lead of the strict unhappy and not trusting girlfriend. Its just not my thing. So i really did drop it all and drop him basically after all these years, now saying oka now your free go party your life away - but i just hope your happy with your decision of when you come home from the party i hope your so much happier coming home to no one because you did straight pick to party over me - but hey your choice, who am i to judge? im just the one who is not putting up with it. ANYWAYS haha lately he has been calling and texting saying how he misses me and i said ya but you always do this and every time i come back its the same thing over and over and it has been for years.. but he says no this time its different - ya sweetheart well actions speak louder then words and if anything ive learned ya it can be different for a little while but you always go back to the party & doing your stupid guy things. Which not to brag, sound conceited, or like a stuck up bitch ... BUT i wouldnt be a step out of place at all and it wouldn't even be an understatement to say that i was defiantly the best thing that has ever happened to the guy. Which hello? I'm just a badass person with an awesome personality haha.. hard to forget and hard to replace -Better then your last and defiantly better then your next. =)
Anyway now that you got a little bit of a backround on us -So like i said he has been saying how he misses me and what not and then (as bad as this may sound) lastnight after i left mikes, zach calls me, which he has been texting me all day saying how he missed me and every thing he does reminds him of me. Well who would have guessed you missed me since im really not there anymore?? Hm, certainly not me. I knew it wouldnt be long before he realized this time he defiantly lost the best thing he ever had.. Anyway he calls and basically breaks down telling me so much he has been wanting to for awhile now but he is the type that he does not show his feelings at all, he keeps the bottled up inside. He continues on saying how he has this dream a few nights ago and it was something like i was having my grad party at his house and theres more to it but im not going to sit here and bore you with that, anyways point of the story he said i was up in his room crying about something and it broke his heart to see me crying and he said i just wouldnt stop and he kept hugging me tryin to clam me down but it wasnt working and i just kept crying and he couldnt stop me and felt so helpless. He said we then talked about things but i was still crying so he then started crying .. well he said then he woke up at 6am that morning and was actually litterly crying. He said he couldnt believe it and then couldnt fall back asleep and then realized that as much as he thought he was over me, he really wasnt and wasnt sure if he ever would be, and that i have been on his mind constantly. Again me not shocked .. i asked why he has never told me about this before because he said it always happens to him that ill be on his mind all the time and he wants nothing more then to be with me and realizes he lost me and it kills him and it all lead back to how he doesnt open up with his feelings he just keeps them bottled in. Well we talked for well over an hour but i wasnt caving in that fast, nor am i. I took an oath and ima stick to it. I love the kid dearly thats a fact, but i am way too stubborn to give into him that easily. As much as i wanted to i just wanted to scream in his face, ''I TOLD YOU SO!!'' - you should have just listened in the first place.. i may be blonde, but im not an idiot. lol. And you gotta work to show me you changed and you want and deserve me, not just anyone can be blessed with my presences ok! hahaha!! =) No but for real I dont settle for anything short of everything and thats just how i am.
As for Fred, i havnet heard anything from him again yet.. i just mailed out the letter responding back to the whole four leaf clover thing. Which yes i do still have it and it still is the most meaningful thing ive received! haha As for work.. still not sure what i want to do, i did however take back my job at the icecream place since i wasnt getting enough hours at the hospital.. the icecream place just sorta fills in my days i dont get at the hospital. I do love that job tho - every day is something new and crazy. Like the other night i had this guy whom i assumed was drunk or on some type of drugs, told me he was drunk with his boss at a party in new york the night before and thought it would be funny to wrestle a grizzly bear - but the bear then cut his foot and i quote, ''The damn bear cut me foot so the next day i killed the f'ing bastard but me boss said i should come get it looked at so here i am, now not trying to be rude Joelle but could you just give me a shot and hurry the F up because im late for a party and frankly i dont want to spend hours here either.'' - i just looked at him and laughed and said sorry sweetheart but i think its going to be awhile and maybe you should stop wrestling them damn bears so you dont have to come in here anymore eh? Oh butler, you gotta love the crazy people! There are some downs to my job tho .. like weds i was working and i had two people die on me :( Now thats depressing enough to ruin your day... esp. when your seeing someone die at 50 from ovarian cancer.. now the other lady monday her heart stopped beating by the time the ambulance got to her house, but then they brought her back to the ER and surprisingly brought her back to life! which i must say was the most amazing thing ive ever seen.. but she later died in the hospital by weds afternoon. But i guess with the good you gotta take the bad..

* Now i can officially welcome you to a day in the life of Joelle Johnson - its one crazy ass life but i love every minute of it .. usually ;) But its time to go get ready for the concert and its sun shining out - yay!! =) have a good weekend kids!!

<3xoxo

a lesson learned.

So im pretty new to this whole thing, but after my mini vaca to Maryland a few weeks ago then of course seeing it on jer's myspace - i decided to give it a try. why not right? It actually works out quiet nicely because i did used to write different things like this whenever i had my lap top, but i broke that shit a long time ago. (opps) anyways lets get on with a little bit of an update i suppose..
Well still haven't found a full time job yet - which is overly stressful, but it is what it is i guess. And as a total hypocrite move i went out and bought a very expensive little pup. But as expensive and not necessary purchase, it may have been one of the best things i ever invested in - because i have grown to love that little guy so much. Since he is a newborn it is just like being a mom and let me tell you its not so bad, its actually a really good feeling and i love it! It only makes me even more excited to have a baby. One day that is... not any time soon thanks! haha But carrying on.. Well i was dating this guy mike whom i thought, ''thought'' being the key word, was actually a good guy for once. Some things he said and actions he took lead me to believe he was actually sincere - little did i know he was just another asshole which is just my luck. And who would have guessed his best friend shortly after got a hold of me and we preceded on hanging out and getting to know one another.. as of now that is still going on but beings that it is mikes best friend, it is hard for me to get close or even be myself around Adam. Only for the mere fact im not one to ''friend bounce'' and be comfortable with it. Especially not comfortable that mike isn't even aware of any of it - he is actually pretty clueless. But truth be told, i think he is closer to his beer then he will ever be to a girl. But hey - thats his choice, other than that he is a great guy, just has no respect. And well i'm sorta all about the respect, thats a major thing for me. But hey - it is what it is, im not too worried about it. It would just be nice to find a good guy for once. Oka thats enough bitching about guys... maybe. haha oka i lied.. =)
On a brighter note i received one of the best and most meaningful things that i have ever received in my life the other day in the mail. (the letter wasnt the meaningful thing, i'll get to that eventually). Anyways - Fred had written me from jail, and although im sure your thinking ..'' umm jail??? '' and yes i didnt stutter, an Ex of mine is in the state jail. haha Well the thing with Fred is he was a pretty cool guy, 25 and his rents had him spoiled rotten since he was an only child. I mean he is a simple guy but his parents bought him his own house, he didnt work besides his own little business of stuffing dead animals (but ew thats gross), they paid his bills and even hired a maid to come clean his house. (what a life i know right) but i needed something more, i wasnt about to live off his parents although the thought seemed kinda nice haha, that just isnt the person i am. I would rather work my life away knowing that i worked to get what i have til this day. And the fact that the kid fell head over heels in love with me practically the minute he saw me didnt help either - considering i do not like clingy guys by any means.. in fact i hate them to be brutally honest about it. I did however put him through hell and back, i wont lie about that - i am one stubborn ass confusing bitch. haha, not on purpose i just have no clue what i want. But as he still states to this very day he will marry me one day, or so he believes. Which i think he just came on a bit to hard and fast for someone like me. He does however have good intentions, Once i was sick and he sent me roses to work with a card that said, '' it is better to marry a man that loves you then a man you love'' - which actually does happen to be a really good and true quote. Because if you think of it, it actually is very good advice. It's defiantly something that will stick with me forever.. But the whole jail thing isnt as bad as it seems.. see the thing was he had been on probation already for something extremely stupid and not his fault, but being the idiot was he took the blame for a friend. Anyway - awhile later he had gotten a DUI which already being on probation sent him straight to the big house, why State? im just not sure .. he said it is a big long crazy story that he hopes told tell me one day. Anyways i was told by some certain individuals that although me and him had our ups and downs and besides the fact he was in jail, that it would be really nice of me to write him just to see whats up and how he was and basically give an update on how life was. And it didnt help that his dad was emailing me also telling me that he had really wanted to hear from me and hopped i wrote to him but didnt to write me and have my parents think i was getting mail from some criminal haha which is understandable. So eventually i caved and wrote him.. and about a week later i got a letter back. Just the basics telling me how jail life was and how he was holding up, how hes been wanting to write and has been but hasnt sent them. Anyways i guess in the letter i wrote him i mentioned that i was having some bad luck finding a job - i didnt drag it out, it was just one simple sentence. So at the bottom of his letter there was a P.s, and the P.s stated...
''Hun i probably shouldn't give you this but i noticed you said in your letter you were having some bad luck, and although i would prefer you to have bad luck only with the guys until i get out.. but i also want you to have good luck in finding a good job to make you happy. I have had just about us much luck as i could considering God lead you into my life. So hopefully you will have some and maybe some day i will come across another clover.''
and sure enough attached was a four leaf clover that him and his dad had found when he was just a boy and i guess he had taken it to jail with him. He had it taped to a little piece of paper so it was still in good shape. And i am SOO not a sappy & crying kind of person.. haha some things get me but i dont like corny things by any means and i can honestly say by reading that and knowing that he was in jail and he has nothing to give me but the only thing he had left. And i could just tell that it truly came right from the heart. I instantly burst into tears after my eyes slowly watered towards the end of the letter.. Now THAT was the most meaningful gift that i have ever received!! And to think it was only a simple thing such as a piece of grass that brought me to break down haha But i have go to say that it was the most thoughtful thing that anyone has ever done for me or given me.. i was at a lose for words - tears just continued to roll down my face for the next hour or so. I have never been so touched by something in my life, if only you could understand the meaning i got from it. It was then i realized that yea he came off a little loopy considering he came on so strong but his intentions were truly and honestly good the whole time. But i was too stubborn to realize it. He truly does have a good and wonderful heart and i only hope the best for him. He is waiting for his DUI to get sentenced still but as of now his minimum is 2 years and his max is 5.. or if he can get into this boot camp thing he can be done with it all in 6 months - which hopefully is the case for his sake. But oka dispite this whole long story .. sorry if it bored you but you sorta had to know a bit of the backround to understand it really.. but the moral of the story is never take anything for granted. You should always give something and someone a chance and try to really understand it or them before you judge. Another thing is when you have something that good make sure you cherish it because it really is a once in a life time thing/feeling that not everyone is lucky to have. Im not saying i regret being a huge bitch to him and taking him down a road of hell.. because well i am sorry that he had to go through some of that shit but at the same time i learned big time from it. And i am so extremely thankful for that and i can just about guarantee you that i will have the clover for the rest of my life only for the fact that that little piece of grass meant more to me then you could imagine. Even though it was the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.. i still felt bad for taking it and leaving him with nothing, so i wrote him back and i had made me him a copy of the clover.. and although it wasnt it, atleast he had a copy of it and always would.
But oka that was my cute and exciting story for the week. I just had to share it because like i said it was the most meaningful thing thats ever been given to me and to this day im still speechless. Just remember kids its the little things in life that mean the most.. and like i heard from a close friend, '' The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything they have '' and it couldnt be any more true. Well kids thats just about enough for tonight - poor Sidney has been sleeping on my lap and im beat. Have a good one =)